Part 15: People who live in Ice Houses Shouldn't

Zammo!

Update #14: People who live in Ice Houses Shouldn't

Recall that our party was last seen "chilling" (I slay myself sometimes) in front of an ice fortress.


This place doesn't look so bad.
You know it's probably about thirty times bigger on the inside, right? Buildings this far north make no fucking sense, I've noticed.
Can't be any worse than those caves a while back. Remember them?
Urggzob does not have fond memories of caves.
We're getting nowhere standing about, chaps. Come on, then.
_{Caves full of drums...so many drums...}



Heavens. A body.
You don't sound terribly surprised by a dead body anymore.
Very little phases me anymore. Not after tagging along with all of you.
Not even...GOLEM OUT OF NOWHERE?



Not even that, Pip. Still, we'd best...do something about it, I guess.
COME TO URGGZOB, ICE MAN!



Dammit, Napalm! What did we say about fire inside ice buildings?
Astonishingly enough, that wasn't me.
Seriously? Then who was it?
_{My bad.}
...
I just had to try it! It sounded fun in the pamphlet!
Pamphlet?
Yeah, you know..."Be a Druid! Become an animal! Call down fire from the very heavens!" That one.
Gods above grant me patience. Just don't kill us all, okay?



...Urggzob does not like how many doors this building has.
Well, we'll make no progress complaining about them.

Moving right along, our party bumps into this...lovely lady.


Wow! She started yelling faster than you usually do, Clobby!
Don't call me that. And I'm not that bad, am I?
I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear your screeching over hers.
CAN IT, TOASTY!



Once again Urggzob is disappointed by how squishy boss persons are!
Maybe if you didn't hit them so hard, they wouldn't be so fragile.
Hah! Weak little man makes a joke.



BEAR ALERT!
What what? I like bears.

After some bear-and-barbarian shenanigans, we take a gander at some of the statues littering this main room.


This is evil goddess that threatens Urggzob's band? Hah.
I'm sure she's more imposing in person, Urggzob.
Urggzob would like to try killing a god one day. Might be fun.
Allow me to say that's a tremendously bad idea.


Moving right along, we fight more bears. And more barbarians.


Good gods, Urggzob! You're nearly dead!
Feels good.
Well, since you liked that so much, then, we'll just have you get chewed on by bears at regular intervals then, okay?
Good. Sleepy.
We'll rest in just a second. First I must investigate this...immediate area.

Due north, we find a prison.




See, aren't you glad I insisted on checking the prison before we slept? If what that guy was true they would have taken a prisoner away as soon as we went to sleep.
I...never thought you to be the altruistic type.
Bollocks. I just think we may have learned more as adventurers by rescuing as many prisoners as possible.
Urggzob is covered in pain.
Wait a second! I just had a flash of inspiration to write my next song.
I'd feel angry about that, but...but...



Marvelous...
What is it now?
Nothing for you to concern yourself with.
Heads up, everyone. Napalm's probably making to kill us all here soon.
Gotcha.


North of the prison we get into a fierce fight with a golem and a number of clerics. Napalm takes several hits in swift succession, so Kruskrak takes...steps.


_{What the devil?}
Well...it's Otiluke's Resilient Sphere. I don't want you getting crushed or anything, so now the golem can't hurt you.
Oooh, you put him in a purple super-bubble? Fun!



_{Okay, they're all dead. Let me out.}
It'll wear off in a little while. I can't do much until then.
_{What? Dammit, man!}
I'm beginning to wish I knew some magic myself. I wouldn't mind being able to put Napalm in an inescapable bubble once in a while.
_{There will be WORDS for this, you knave!}


Some hours later...


Tyr's tears, I thought I'd run out of air for sure. What the hell were you thinking?
I didn't want the golem tearing you in half?
Nonsense! No mere golem can bring about the fall of Heronius Napalm V, esq.!
Urggzob wonders if he could crush super-bubble...
You can't. Trust me.
Pah! Little man will NOT tell Urggzob what he cannot crush!


We rest and head north, to bump into this lovely lady.


She just never shuts up, does she?
Evil people are very chatty, I've noticed. If I became evil, would I have to tell everyone everything I knew all the time?
I think you just might.
Oops, hold on. She's not done yet.



Urggzob could have killed talky-lady thirty times since she started.
So why didn't you?
Urggzob thinks that might have been rude.
Whatever. It's Clobberella-in' time.
That battle cry...needs a bit of work, hon.



Again? Tell me this isn't going to be a regular thing, Marty.
But it makes me feel useful!
You're entering a wide and wonderful world, Marty. I just may have to start respecting you a bit now.
Let's not do anything rash, like encouraging him to become as destructive as half of this group.



Good gods be damned! This woman can't even shut her trap when she's dying!
When Urggzob hits people, they are SUPPOSED TO STOP TALKING!



OH GOD, BEES!
_{My bad again.}



They're everywhere!
Pah! Urggzob laughs at bee stings. He WILL crush this super bubble!


Killing the last of the clerics, we escape the swarms of bees.


Marty, remember that respect I vaguely hinted at earlier?
Yeah?
All gone now.
Aww, man...


Even so, the priestess had something magical which helps Marty very much indeed...


Awesome! Enchanted leather armor! It's as protective as my heavy splint mail, but less than half as heavy!
So weak little man can move again?
Yay for you!


Celebration aside, we continue into the ice fortress. There happens to be an invisible wall nearby.


Oh, fun! It's a wall that isn't a wall at all!
Stop rhyming so much.


Anyways...


Watching closely, Marty? This is how you introduce someone to a swift and fiery death.
Right, man. I'm sure you know more about it than I do.
Is it me or is your fireball a bit more...destructive than it used to be?
I'm sure it's just you. Being a woman, I'm sure most of your cognitive processes are taken up by things like worrying about cooking and cleaning.
If we ever find a wand of fireballs, I swear I'm jamming it in your ass.
Times like these I'm convinced you're coming on to me.
Where's Urggzob?



...
What?
Urggzob, why did you talk to the painting?
Certain fine arts confuse Urggzob.


Clobberella, meanwhile, is distracted by a particularly sassy djinn. It does not live very long at all.

Aww, why'd you kill him? I wanted wishes!
There's no tooth fairy either, while I'm crushing your dreams.
...
Pip? You okay?
I'll...I'll be okay, I'm sure. At least I have an outlet in my music and my poetry.
You'd best not dye your hair. And I swear if I hear just ONE mopey poem about how your heart is black like the telephone that never rings, I will leave you in a snowdrift.


Djinn shenanigans aside, we return to the dais room to figure out these locking doors.



Turns out there's a room full of winged monstrosities willing to ally themselves with us.

Wonderful. More inept help.
Sad times! Urggzob wishes he could crush them all!
Just keep dreaming, dude. Just keep dreaming.




You'll notice I'm rapidly becoming this small band's most dangerous member.
You've a long way to go to catch up to Urggzob.
Hah! Is true, little fire man!



Urggzob is like a small country whose primary exports are PAIN and CRUSHING!
You have a more comprehensive understanding of political science than I thought you would.
Poly-sci was Urggzob's minor in crushing college.



I'm becoming clearer every day; closer to bona fide enlightenment.
Man, that sounds boss.
It is. Plus, I run twice as fast as any of you sallies, so I can get to bad guys faster.



Man, with these new spells of mine I'm finally becoming...well, dangerous.
Weird. I'm not sure I like thinking about you as "dangerous."
Times are tough, dude. Times are tough.



Despite everything, I'm doing surprisingly good.
Not as good as Heronius Nap-
Whatever you say, Mr. Napalm.
...you're also becoming dangerously sassy, Kruskrak.



Okay, I'll admit I'm feeling better about things now.
Good. I'm with Napalm on the "no emo" policy.